How to tell if your husband is gay | I think my husband is gay | How to know if your husband is gay | How do you know if your husband is gay

How to Tell if Your Husband is Gay

Woman trying to understand if her husband if gayNothing can prepare a woman for the pain and confusion caused by finding out her husband might be gay. If your husband is having an affair with another man, not only are you dealing with the pain of being cheated on, but you're also coming to terms with what your marriage has meant up until this point. Was your marriage a cover for him so his family wouldn't suspect he's gay? You may find yourself not only hurting, angry, used and confused, but also torn about what to do with the man you love. And if you suspect your husband or boyfriend is gay, you've got way more questions than answers. Where do you turn when you don't feel comfortable divulging your fears and suspicions to close friends or family? What do you do when you confront him with your suspicions about his sexuality - only to be met with hostility and denial - and without the explanation you need? In this article, I'll be addressing these questions and helping you figure out if your husband is gay... and then explaining what to do once you've confirmed it.


Has My Marriage Been a Lie?


When a gay man marries a woman, he is either in denial about his sexuality, or he's trying to maintain an image of "normalcy". The latter is especially true if the man fears his family will reject him for being gay. But it's not uncommon for a gay man to not know he's gay, and he might spend years struggling to conquer his conflicting feelings and desires. If he becomes angry or defensive when you confront him about the possibility of his being gay, remember that what he's reacting to is the fear that the world he's worked so hard to create is about to be torn down.


I once received a phone call from a very distressed woman. "I think my husband is gay", she said, audibly sobbing while she was talking to me. She went on to describe her husband's suspicious behaviors - which included catching him browsing gay porn sites - and his denial when she confronted him about being gay. She was at a loss about what to say or do next. Even though the intimacy in her marriage had been missing for a long time, she loved her husband very much and couldn't imagine life without him. Ironically, he kept his sexuality a secret because he was just as afraid of losing her. But by working through their fears and differences through life coaching, they were able to find a solution that worked for them as a couple.


So… How DO You Know if Your Husband is Gay?


The only way to know without a doubt that your husband is gay is if he either tells you he is - or if you actually see him engaging in an intimate act with another man (and even this may be open to interpretation if it's a one-time event).


However, certain behaviors, especially when clustered together, can indicate the likelihood that he's gay - and the more of these behaviors he exhibits, the more likely it is that your diagnosis will be correct. Here are some clues that can help you put the puzzle pieces together when deciding if your husband is gay.


Finding Gay Porn – If you find male porn on your husband's computer, you might think this would be a dead giveaway that he's gay. But if this is the only symptom of homosexuality you've noticed, there's a chance he's simply exploring bi-curious thoughts or feelings. Bi-curiosity is pretty normal for everyone, but for men there's a lot of shame associated with having these thoughts - which is all the more reason for keeping them a secret.


Lack of Interest in Sex – If he's always had a pretty low sex drive, and he's increasingly avoiding having sex with you, this may indicate that he's not attracted to the female body. But there could be other reasons for a low sex drive – e.g., depression, stress, or low testosterone.


Spending a Lot of Time with another Man – There's nothing unusual about a man spending time with a buddy. But spending a lot of time with gay friends or a lot of "alone time" with another man outside of work-related activities is not the typical behavior of a straight man. This in itself is not proof that your husband is gay, but if he makes strange excuses that don't add up about where he's been - or who he's been with - chances are he's hiding something.


He has Extreme Homophobic Reactions – When we react with hostility and disgust toward someone or an entire group of people, it's usually because that person (or group) represents something we hate about ourselves. Again, this is not proof in-and-of itself that your husband is gay. But it does indicate that there's an underlying issue he's not coming to terms with – whether it's a deep-rooted trauma - or the denial of some inner conflicted feelings.


Behaviors Mistaken for Signs that
Your Husband is Gay


One of the most commonly misunderstood signs of homosexuality is when a man shows interest in receiving anal sex or anal stimulation. As society becomes increasingly more open-minded where sex is concerned, men are learning that there's more to great sex than just penetration. Enjoying anal and prostate stimulation has nothing to do with sexual orientation.


Another behavior that's often misunderstood as a symptom of being gay is when a man is emotionally sensitive. We live in a society that encourages men to be more in touch with their emotions, yet ridicules men for being too feminine when they show that sensitivity!  If your husband is suddenly showing more emotional sensitivity, maybe he's read or seen some influential books or movies - or he's been positively influenced by a new role model - or a therapist. Taken by itself, emotional expression doesn't predict sexual orientation. But if it's accompanied by some of the other behaviors we've discussed, you might be on your way toward building a case for your husband being gay.


I Think My Husband is Gay – What Should I Do?


If after reading through these tips on how to tell if your husband is gay and you feel he's showing all or most of the signs, it's important to get counseling as soon as possible. If he's been secretive about homosexual desires or activity, confronting him and asking if he's gay is usually not going to get you anywhere. Remember, he's probably ashamed and struggling with his feelings and identity, and he needs as much understanding as you do. If you approach him in a calm manner, and if he feels he can truly trust you, opening up will be a little easier for him. Allow him time to talk about it. Never threaten him or get angry, no matter how scared and upset you are. Coming to terms with his homosexuality will be a difficult process for both of you, but with the help of counseling, your healing and resolution will be much easier.


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