How to Keep your Sanity when you Discover You've got a Cheating Wife
If you suspect that your spouse is
unfaithful, it's important to work through a well thought-out process. You'll need to uncover the facts, protect
your own emotional well-being, and keep a clear head on your shoulders when confronting her. Acting impulsively
could unravel your investigation.
A wife who senses your suspicions may
very likely hide all the evidence. Also, directly accusing an innocent person in order to extract a confession will
destroy something precious if you're wrong. Imagine, for example, that your boss accused you of stealing at
You'll want to think about this question
early on: What is cheating? In today's world, cheating can include flirting online, sharing explicit emails about
sexual preferences, or viewing sexy photos of someone on a regular basis. Cheating may also include meeting someone
regularly for an "intimate" conversation over lunch, taking drives with a co-worker to some place where you "can be
alone and talk", or even having sex over the phone. Cheating isn't just defined as having physical
Almost any adult can be tempted to flirt
if an attractive person is sending out signals. So, don't assume your wife is having sex - or is otherwise cheating
on you - until you have real evidence. Besides, that man who is flirting with your wife might be lonely and
vulnerable - and not serious about having a real engagement.
Wife Caught Cheating:
First, Check the Facts
Once you have enough information to
warrant a full investigation of your wife's possible cheating, create a specific plan so you'll know for sure.
You'll need to think through ways to check her postal mail, email, cell phone history, car trips, work schedule,
recreational activities, and more.
Ideally, you'll want to do this yourself
because hiring a Private Investigator is costly. These professionals aren't perfect, either. Some may be overworked
and too distracted to conduct a thorough investigation. And some may be so accustomed delivering the news "your
wife is cheating on you" for the millionth time, that they'll treat your pain with indifference: They just want the
payment you're offering.
You'll get a clearer picture of what's
really going on if you can investigate everything yourself. A wife caught cheating when you see her coming out of a
hotel room with a guy is stronger evidence than a Private Investigator showing you a video clip of the couple at a
The internet has many tools for tracking
a cheating spouse. You may want to track her cell phone numbers or social media interaction for example, using
software available on certain websites. But, go slowly and don't jump to conclusions. The man your wife is calling
may be a sales rep at a firm she's doing business with as opposed to her dating someone on the side.
Don't tell your friends or work
associates that you're trying to catch your cheating wife in the act, because some people can have selfish agendas
of their own. For instance, if you tell a co-worker (who secretly wants the promotion you're in line for) about
your private pain, this co-worker might manipulate office gossip to derail you from the promotion.
As you continue following your spouse,
checking for telltale signs of a lover in the background, ask yourself, "What will I do with this information?" If,
for example, you feel your spouse is having an affair as revenge and to pay you back for your own affair last year,
would you truly end your marriage?
Once you've zeroed in on the true picture
- knowing there's cheating going on and with whom - it's time to confront your wife. Some people do it loudly and
on the spot when the spouse and her lover are caught together. Others may choose to talk quietly with their
cheating wife in private.
The only firm rule to follow is this: Act
as maturely and sanely as possible. This helps you feel that you're fully in control of yourself. Your cheating
spouse may explode - hurling profanity back at you - or she may sob, deny, run away... or even become
Wife Caught Cheating:
Having the Big Conversation
Once the initial confrontation and
accusations are over, you will need to sit down and talk with the woman who's betrayed you. If you can't stay calm,
try meeting in a public place such as a restaurant.
Do what works for you. If you both tend
to yell, try writing down your thoughts and feelings and then have your wife read them silently. She may verbally
slam you in order to defend herself, so asking her to write down her reactions can help manage her
Try to use a lot of "I" statements in
which you share your personal pain appropriately. Here's an example: "I placed all of my hope and faith in this
marriage. I might have done some neglectful things, but I didn't mean to." This beats "you" statements like: "You
know I complained about your brother living with us. You aren't deaf!"
Fix the Relationship If Possible
How do you know if your adulterous wife
wants to reverse the damage? One sign is that she will act truly remorseful. She might say, "Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
I really want to make this marriage work."
If she doesn't act sorry, does this mean
the marriage can't be saved? Not necessarily. But, it's critical to understand her viewpoint of what went wrong.
You don't want to be left guessing about what really happened years after she was caught cheating on you - whether
you two stay together or not.
Meeting her needs might be something you
can do, if she's open to working on the relationship. Maybe you haven't shown her any special attention while
you've been working 75-hour weeks and didn't have an extra ounce of energy when you finally arrived at home late
every night. Or, maybe you shouldn't have refused to go to Hawaii with her last year.
You need to know, also, if things cannot
be fixed. For example, you can't fix her low self-esteem or need for constant attention.
Do look at the person behind the
infidelity. What do you know about your wife's character? Is she honorable in her dealings with most people? Did
she seem genuinely remorseful that you were hurt after she was caught cheating? If not, you can't fix
Many women, too, have had multiple sex
partners before they married. Staying monogamous can be difficult for some women. The point is this: her moral code
will factor into whether the relationship can be salvaged.
Healing a marriage that's suffered from
infidelity isn't impossible. However, it's difficult to work through such hurtful and complex emotions by yourself.
For one thing, it's hard to avoid yelling and demanding answers when you've been betrayed. A Professional
Life Coach can help. An objective person can monitor the
discussions and interject questions that are helpful in seeing each other's viewpoint.
Confronting a cheating wife will be one
of the most difficult times of your life. Everything from your own bruised ego to your financial future will play a
role in this. Working with a Life Coach can help create the possibility that you can save your marriage - or help
you move on, if that's the right thing to do. Navigating through the pain by yourself will be way too
To make an appointment for a free initial consultation with a Certified Life Coach who has
experience with these issues and can help you, please click